Not for Real!

What a thoroughly awful few weeks, and yes, am very sure others have it far worse, before that's pointed out to me again. This is by no means an 'oh woe me post', just by the way of brief explanation as to my absence from social media, communication and my once beloved studio. 

In the interests of this trying to remain a blog-tte (pretty short blog post 5-7 mins to read is my aim) I won't be going into all thats happened, and all I have felt. Just stop the ride I want to get off! I am not way out of the woods yet either but a teeny bit more sociable today. 

So each thing I have tried to tackle, then bang, another life happening takes another side swipe. From a very painful self inflicted lower abdomen tear in the muscle to serious financial problems lurking ahead....ontop of an already low ebb for a while, working 10-14 hour days, feeling constantly pecked at to answer stuff (Facebook in the main), do all the stuff, literally no personal me time as any free time is spent on replies across all platforms or sorting whatever I have missed whilst working, bad diet, probably drinking a little more than healthy too...I just needed it all to just STOP! Mojo flown the coop, and nowhere in sight! MESSY!

I can't remember the last time I danced of late, or laughed till my belly hurt, let alone engaged my usual love of life and mischief... constantly fire fighting life is a tricky business that just eventually takes its toll, and an empty sack cannot stand up (Haitian Proverb).

Some serious decisions need to be made, whether I continue as an artist is the main one right now, when I have felt able to sit and paint (yesterday for the first time) the usual sparkle wasn't there, though I did enjoy it to a degree because of the Yupo paper that I have never used before ('Serenity' and 'Jewelled Commotion'). More to the point, I am running out of steam trying to make a living this way, its impacting my enthusiasm greatly, and at the bottom of a financial mountain is not encouraging me to figure a way forward with it either...maybe this is it? I just don't know. Whats the point of working stupid long hours, chasing people for money that have failed to pay, answering tons of stuff for it to lead to nothing, when I could be stacking shelves and actually finding a way out of this mess? 

Pretty sore from the lack of enthusiasm for my artwork, bit of a shock as its always been a place of comfort, distraction and love, as has my studio. I currently don't feel that way at all. Whether its the way I feel causing it, or finally reaching the end of my rope of 'working hard and you'll get the rewards' or NOT in my case, the pressure of marketing which takes up a stupid amount of time for very little realistic sales, or the pressure to try and dig out of this upcoming mess, I am unsure. 

The other day I was researching ACEOs etc and came across an ebay seller who manages to sell hers at times for £8,500 for A4 'Architecture' and £2,035 ACEO 'Landscape' ....just really hard not to wonder what I am doing wrong in marketing if these are real sales, very good luck to that Missy if these would go a VERY long way to solving many of my current pressures, and prolly do allot for my artistic confidence too! Maybe am just not good enough to make a living this way....and seriously, surely even I can't mess up shelf stacking!

So in the interests of saving my world as I know it, I have listed a fair bit of stuff on eBay , with more to follow, and will be putting previous unsold/unreleased works on Etsy over the coming week, aswell as trying to muster the enthusiasm to paint some artworks for both sites, that hopefully will appeal to a wider audience until this situation is resolved/I HAVE to find a job/I spontaneously combust out of utter frustration....which the answer will lay between now and the next new moon no doubt...its a full one today!

Whether I will actually manage to paint works for my love of Scooters, Mod and Northern Soul that are for sale, is too far for my brain to stretch to currently. I have promised the lovely Max one, possibly two commissions (hes been so patient with me, thank you! xx) and then I am unsure whether I will do anymore commissioned work, as the agro is starting to outweigh the positive, will just have to see. Never wise to make those kinds of decisions when feeling low as it taints everything.

Facebook may HAVE to go completely, it just gets me down, awful place...not everyone is awful, just the moaning, messages and constant messenger d*ck pics; yes thats a thing, somewhere in their small brains (probably in the pic) this is supposed to what? Make me want them? Erm, NO! Please STOP IT! Not for real! Grow up and go play all the bitching, tagging, its a constant form of me wanting to lob my phone at a hard surface, which I can't replace. Until I decide 100% I will share to it from outside, ie eBay and my website, but will not be going on it at all for may just cause me to blow a gasket with a very poorly old phone!

Twitter friends I miss you muchly, and will hopefully make my way back when I can muster the courage to tackle the DMs and replies, I want to, but it feels like another mountain to climb, so I hope you can forgive me if I miss anything or it takes me a bit longer to reintegrate myself, my capacity for anything other than dealing with the next sh*t storm, that is bubbling menacingly on the horizon, is running on empty.

I have written all this in the hope that it helps me by getting it off my chest to a degree, and goes someway towards an apology for being AWOL. Also that we cover this stuff up when we find life hard, or too much. I have to deal with it my way, thats by going quiet, processing, dealing, falling, trying again, till eventually I stay up....I am doing all I can to help, TIME for me (a very precious thing) walks, better nutrition, will return to exercising when my tummy heals properly too, oh and knitting again, sporadically but its there, cleared things out etc....progress from just feeling low/empty/spent. I know I have folk that are willing to listen if I need it too (thank you xx) but if anyone has any magic fairy dust to sprinkle on my world to make it fit for purpose again, and makes me want to dance in my studio whilst I paint with gusto, please give me a shout, adulting eh? this sh*t is NOT what I signed upto am sure of it!...hanging onto keeping the faith by my finger nails, but its flickering there, just!!! And so far I have survived 100% of bad days/ go girl! KTF xxx

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