Ok so where was I? Oh yes, being a wuss, a bit of self pity, annoyingly, allot of sheer frustration...its been weeks since I felt ANYTHING like my balls have dropped! This HAS to be a GOOD thing!

Soooooooo.... I am sat painting a scooter, Lambretta Li on Yupo, and there was this ahhhhhh moment, and it actually felt good, like home again....been a tricky thing to track down!

To top that off after an incident on Friday, I maintained my composure and dignity, but stood up to some absolute bunkham...NOT having it! Now thats the Nik I know! This impostor has been weak and insipid, and am guessing bending over trying to accommodate everyone to their liking burnt me out, tens of messages a day, and whilst some are important, I got overwhelmed and just walked...quite a trait with me, for good or bad.

In between time I closed some doors, thunked myself to insanity, been mardy, fried my hair trying to get near my natural colour (over on my about me page, not a flattering pic but feck it, am REALLY NOT a selfie person at all, but loathe deliberately deceptive old pictures, when am NOT that anymore...I earned MUSCLES! Huzzah!) and learnt some lessons....Sherlock ain't gonna be surprised!


1. I am an arse, a mardy one at that....but DO have the ability to turn it around given time and space, even if its only my feelings, attitude and outlook, those are mine...and thats that!

2. Folk are arses... minus the very real few, that I treasure and know will be fine with me despite my outage.

3. Sometimes you REALLY have to step back and REALLY fettle your life, whats not serving you? Let it go, it can be a struggle, and you may still return, but honestly let the past GO.

4. Folk DO NOT do what they say....keep an eye on ACTIONS, thats where the truth is!

5. I have balls...not hairy, swingy ones, granted, but I REALLY lost sight of that and they retreated, believing failing meant I was a failure...NOT so, merely circumstances!

6. Ultimately, NO ONE can help you, not if you can't figure out the basics for yourself, sad but true, I found that out the hard way, hence my needing space....people say ALLOT of stuff, not all is true!

7. Pinterest can be your best friend....posting stuff to a private board can be SO healing...and proper funny, theres some witty wise people out there, this gives me hope!

8. So am a mid my usual hormonal storm, but nutrition and exercise DOES help eventually...AND I lost over 15lbs, lots to go but Keto works for me, its giving my body chance to refind itself without carb interference.

9. DO NOT bleach your hair twice on the same day, then add two colours, then strip it again the day after...and am NOT obliged to say how much else I did to it, just don't...its crap...and spoils your nails! Its still on my head, just, and am back to me, one shade darker it needs to go, but it won't take it right TLC for my hair, for my soul, and getting my priorities straight.

NOPE, nothing has changed circumstances wise, just attitude wise, so give me a few days to make sure its sticking this time, and I will get back to some VERY patient folk, and I wouldn't blame you if you told me to bog off in fairness...I do have till September again though to try turn things around, or for circumstances to change...which now feels a blessing...after that, care home or Tescos I reckon if stuff doesn't alter, and I simply can't do it on my own, though that DOES NOT seem to be penetrating into the minds of those that SHOULD be taking some notice...or maybe by some miracle I CAN? No idea (tbc)...I have LOTS to catch up, and it may be bumpy to start, but today things DO feel better...I even have Northern Soul on, and danced! PROGRESS people! Progress! KTF xxx

PS: A HUGE thank you to some special people, that haven't given up on me, despite making me cry with their

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