Here I am nearly a full week after hoping to get back to life/social media/painting/feeling better...and despite some minor victories, it's STILL all feeling pretty pointless, I get the odd good time, but then right back on my arse!

Trying my utmost to paint, but every time I sit down to paint, the joy I had seems to have been so ground away that there is nothing to build on. My scatter gun approach to listing and painting has lead to further disappointment and confusion.

So I am left trying to figure out where I go from here, give it more time? I would give ANYTHING about now to wake up with that excitement to paint again, I can't find it. The ONLY thing that runs through my head is 'this is pointless, some folk want it all for nothing, it has NO value now, not even to me'...painting and being an artist is quite intrinsic to who I am, at least with who I identify with, so this has far reaching consequences.

I remember a time when I painted for weeks on end, with no intention of selling something, the value remained, the excitement, but life pressures and circumstances now means I am trying desperately to find a solution, last Wednesday saw yet another set back....nothing has changed still, in that regard, still stuck in this nightmare limbo.

I am trying to approach this in lots of ways, better ways of thinking, reading, positivity, still on with the better nutrition/exercise trying to dig my way up out this black hole. I am just lost as to what to do now, trying different paintings to shake up my creativity, see if that helps, more ends up in the bin than finished, because I simply cannot shake 'well you just won't get any where near the cost of your time for this, nobody wants to pay it' so its a never ending cycle of building up some metal to paint, to have it ruined by the demons of doubt, frustration and resignation.

Maybe this is just the way it goes, you get so ground down by the reality of marketing, putting up with non payers, stuff going missing so it costs you twice as much through NO fault of my own, cheers Royal Mail! Now finally having no reserves left, gritty determination or stubborness to fight it, despite it all, like I once blame, just my reaction to the circumstances.

I have tried various experiments on eBay, one ACEO I listed for 0.81p, it sold for that, so 8p to Ebay, 53p to Royal Mail, 50p for PayPal fees, the envelope and tape etc....a MINUS 88p...way to go Nik! My choice to pop it up at that price, hoping to attract bidders, big fail, another big fail....there are times I would burn the lot at the moment, all paintings, my studio, all my, once beloved, equipment, in all honesty.

So the current state is I am listing old work in the main, forcing myself to paint when I can muster the gumption to battle the demons, and treading water in this limbo. 

All I can do is give it a bit longer, try find other artists that have been through similar, and keep trying to find something to fall in love with to paint again, if I can find that, just SOMETHING I feel is worth doing, just maybe I can refloat this sinking ship? KTF xxx

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